It’s been five months since I moved to New York.

Astoria, Queens is the place I call home these days. And, I love it here. It’s a 15 minute train ride from midtown Manhattan, and Queens is the most diverse county in the nation. Two things that are essential for me: 1) being able to get into “the city,” and 2 ) diversity.

As I hinted in my first post, I have a long history with NYC.

Today, I’ll share some of that history, and I’ll also update you on how things are going, in general.

When it all began

I fell in love with NYC when I was nine years old. My family had returned to the States after living in Europe, and we visited New York to see extended family members.

I remember driving through the city, looking up at the buildings from the backseat window, and thinking “This is where I belong.”

There was something about it--the narrow, old streets, the people walking, the cars buzzing by. I knew it was my place.

As I got older, I tried all that I could to convince my parents to move to New York. Whenever we explored moving as a family, I begged my Dad to consider NYC. He wouldn’t. He was born in the Bronx and had his own (not-so-great) history with the city.

I searched for jobs in New York after college, but, nothing worked out. Doors didn’t open, and I wasn’t willing to make things happen. I don’t mean this as a negative. There are times when pushing through obstacles is required. I had the sense that pushing, during this time, would have been detrimental. I needed to wait for the right time.

Then I met and married my husband, who was raised in Pennsylvania and didn’t have an urban bone in his body.

Anyway, this is the short history of my admiration and pining for NYC.

(Spoiler alert: My husband loves New York.)

Have you ever felt like you belonged somewhere?

I’ve always secretly felt like a New Yorker, although, I could never have legitimacy as a New Yorker (since I never lived here). I realize now that my personality is very NYC.

Direct, but friendly. Confident. Curious. On the go.

There are two places that have captured me (not that I have seen all the places): The tiny town in the mountains of Puerto Rico, where I’m from (I briefly mention it on this podcast episode), and New York. Interestingly, these two places also represent the dichotomy that I seek in my environments--the center of it all, and where no one can find me.

I’ve known, since I was introduced to these two locations, that they were home.

Have you ever had this experience?

I’m not sure if there’s a study or a science on the impact of your environment on your life, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a person’s sense of wellness is deeply connected to what their environment inspires. At least, I find this to be true for me.

The Ups

Any time I’ve moved to a new place, I’ve noticed what is different about my new environment; I instinctively compare it to the former environment.

This time, I am also noticing what is different about me in my new environment.

In the book, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves, the authors explain that a person’s identity isn’t static, it changes based on the people around them. This is the basic concept of a triangle. We do not discuss people’s characteristics as a whole, but rather, how they behave when they are with specific others.

I see that my environment is an entity, an influencer, and perhaps, at times, a third party in my social circles. New York feels like a person. People talk about NYC like it’s a person. For example, there are posts about “breaking up” with NYC. I find this interesting.

I’ve jotted down a few things I’ve noticed about myself, and NYC, in the past five months:

I am more present.
I am more observant. There is so much to see!
I use my phone less. It has become a bit of a burden at times, actually.
I love trying new places to eat (although, this has always been true).
I had fallen into suburban fear about NYC. When I learned I would be teaching until after 9PM in lower Manhattan, I worried about taking the train home at that hour (I worried, for like, 1 minute. Nothing serious.). But, on the first day, I realized this was a silly concern. If you’ve been in Manhattan at 9:30 at night, you know what I mean.
New Yorkers are nice and talkative.
Driving is stressful (not in New York, in general).
There are no Walmarts. (I have become a creative shopper.) Not that Walmart is my go-to. I’d much rather support independent, local business. But, it was an easy fallback.

The Identity Crisis

So… life wouldn’t be life if there weren’t downsides to change. Sometimes, growth means grief.

In the beginning of our transition, I cried on a regular basis. Not for myself, but for my kid. She would often say to me, “Mommy, I miss our old house.” And, of course, I would feel guilty for moving her across the country, to a place with winter (okay, maybe that’s just my issue), into an apartment.

It was an emotional struggle for several months. I learned to say, “I do, too.” And, to empathize, without trying to cheer her up.

I’ve gone through an identity crisis of sorts.

Part of my identity struggle is related not only to the fact that to live an urban life you must combat the American ideal of suburban living--which is, for many of us, perpetuated by commercials, our parents and colleagues, and larger institutions, but also to the fact that I was embedded in suburban living only 6 months ago. I had a solid identity as someone who had achieved the ideal.

Now I have almost no ownership. We sold our home and one of our cars. And, as weird as this may sound, this has caused some disorientation.

I recently heard someone say on a Ted Talk, “Ownership is dead.” And, I have to admit, it made me feel better.

I’m not sure that owning a home matters to me right now. In fact, I know it doesn’t. But, I have had to re-center my priorities, think through my life goals, and understand the overall present and future purpose for my decisions. While much of this has resolved itself, I find myself seeking daily reminders of the overall vision.

The Vision

I have a global vision. I do not know if it will come to pass, but I want to prepare myself and my daughter for thinking, living, and working beyond this country’s (the United States’) borders. In order for that to be central, day in and day out, I must make choices that prioritize connection, travel, bi/tri-lingualism, flexibility, and discomfort, while also maintaining love, harmony, faith, and inspiration.

I’m figuring it out.

So, What’s Next?

I am going into my second semester teaching at Nyack College’s MFT program.

Supporting therapists in The Refreshed Therapist Network is my daily privilege.

And, I plan to launch an online practice in 2019. (Stay tuned! I’ll share the process with you).

Let’s Chat

Let me know, in the comments below.

What resonated for you, in this post?

A New Adventure: On Letting Go And Living Forward

As you read this, I am preparing to board a plane to New York City.

The past month or so, I’ve published several guest blog posts here, on Family Therapy Basics (a few more coming this month!), and I’ve simplified my schedule, in general, because my family has been in the midst of organizing a “cross-country” move. We are leaving South Florida and will soon become New Yorkers.

10 Therapist (and Child)-Approved Activities to Support Kids with Anxiety

If you’re a mental health professional working with children, you will probably agree that many of the calls you receive from parents have something to do with anxiety or stress. Child therapists have the amazingly important yet challenging task of educating and supporting kids in a therapeutic setting that is both productive and fun. When working with children as young as preschool age, it can be a very daunting task to keep things fresh and exciting week after week! So, how do we help children develop the coping skills they need while keeping them engaged (and not glancing at their watch)? Here are ten therapist (and child!)-approved, fun activities that address anxiety-based disorders and promote relaxation and stress reduction in children:

The Art and Science of Therapy as Craft, Part 2: Crafting Questions

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Therapist Self-Disclosure Simplified

Self-disclosure is a touchy subject among therapists. Some therapists never self-disclose, while others feel stifled by having a rigid boundary around self-disclosure. As I consider self-disclosure in therapy, I ask myself, “When is self-disclosure appropriate?” “How does self-disclosure deepen the therapist-client connection?"

Solution Focused Brief Couples Therapy Tips, with Elliott Connie

Elliott Connie is a Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) practitioner, author, and speaker. He developed an approach to couples work that distills the essence of SFBT into guiding principles for working with couples.

As a therapist who loves working with couples, I am always interested in ways to enhance my couples therapy skills. For this reason, I invited Elliott to explain the reasons why SFBT is his choice for working with clients, as well as how it creates a contrasting experience for couples that have a history in therapy.

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In article three of the Family of Origin for the Therapist series, you learned 3 simple steps for how to begin family of origin (FOO) exploration: 1) read Bowen’s chapter, 2) observe your FOO experience, and 3) reflect on what you learned. Hopefully, your curiosity has led to significant understanding.

Understanding is the foundation of Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). Bowen (1985) believed that if clients could understand themselves as members of their FOOs and as created by their histories, they could begin and continue significant change.

In today’s post, I offer the next step in developing understanding: Creating your genogram. I explain how to create a basic genogram that you can expand as you continue your exploration.

5 Tips for Keeping Up with Therapy Paperwork

In my interaction with therapists as a mentor and supervisor, I’ve learned that one of the main struggles therapists face is having too much work and not enough time. Many therapists find themselves overwhelmed by documentation responsibilities, in particular; this includes completing client notes, referrals, billing, treatment plans, etc.

In today’s post, I offer several strategies for keeping up with paperwork, so that you can stay on track and avoid the stress of falling behind.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy Client Types, and Their Relevance To Every Session

In her 1989 article, Of Visitors, Complainants, and Customers, Insoo Kim Berg details three types of “client-therapist relationships” (p. 21). Her wording is significant, because she is not labeling clients; she is describing them in terms of their relationship to the therapist, the process of therapy, and the problem. These three relationships have undergirded Solution-Focused Brief Therapy theory and interventions over the years, although they are not consistently discussed in newer works. The client relationship types are widely applicable to therapy, regardless of theoretical orientation, making them one of the most useful concepts in marriage and family therapy.

In this post, I present a review of these client types, and I explain their relevance to and usefulness for all therapeutic sessions.

How to Ethically Offer Coaching as a Licensed Therapist: A Step-By-Step Guide

One of the most common professional goals for my clients is expanding their private practice to include life coaching services. As professionals with a depth of knowledge in personal development and goal achievement strategies, therapists are ideal candidates for the coaching profession. Despite this near perfect fit, there are some important ethical consideration for therapists when offering coaching services alongside therapy, or when choosing to become professional coaches. In this post, I focus on offering solutions for these complications, in an effort to help you ethically practice coaching.

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Most of us, therapists, have been there: A simple disagreement turns into an all-out screaming match in the middle of a therapy session. This is, thankfully, not a common scenario for most therapists, but it’s also not rare--especially for therapists who specialize in couple therapy.

In this post, I cover steps for disrupting an argument occurring in a couple therapy session. Intervention on the part of the therapist is necessary during some conflicts, because the arguments can cause further damage in the couple relationship. And, if therapists allow arguments to continue for too long, they can affect the couple’s sense of safety when in therapy.

The main goals of intervention in this case are to: