As you read this, I am preparing to board a plane to New York City.

The past month or so, I’ve published several guest blog posts here, on Family Therapy Basics (a few more coming this month!), and I’ve simplified my schedule, in general, because my family has been in the midst of organizing a “cross-country” move. We are leaving South Florida and will soon become New Yorkers.

I have accepted a position as Assistant Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy for Nyack College, and my responsibilities to the college begin at the end of August.

I started this blog in August of 2016. At the time, I was struggling with the last chapter of my dissertation, and I needed an outlet to remind me that I had something to offer myself and my field. I began Family Therapy Basics, mainly, as I understand it now, to prove to myself that I didn’t need a PhD--that I already had knowledge that was valuable in my profession and to other therapists.

You, the readers, have made clear that what I offer here makes a difference for you. Thank you for never letting me wonder.

My commitment to you, and this blog, remains. I am excited to see how teaching full-time will generate ideas for this blog and my business overall.

There have been a few readers, coaching clients, and colleagues that have helped me put important pieces in place on the New York side of this move. You know who you are. I am forever grateful.

Letting go . . .

In her book, Adventures For Your Soul, Shannon Kaiser says, "Nothing is permanent; at every moment of your life you have the opportunity to change directions" (p. 22). She also explains, in the book, that when choosing a new path, most people don't think about the fact that it will come to an end. We assume that our choice will bring about a constant future, to some extent, which often leads to delaying our decision. But, in reality, most situations serve us only for a time.

One of the things I discuss often with clients is the need to create a business that serves the life you want to live. That can only be done by contemplating and evaluating what matters most to you, in life, as well as consistently making choices that align with these priorities.

of ownership

We are selling a home in Florida to rent an apartment in New York. While many would see this as a step backward, we see it as an adventure.

I'm not sure what the future holds. We may stay in the city, and we may not. We'll make our decision based on what this next stage reveals.

of attachments

Years ago, I read the book Wild Goose Chase, by Mark Batterson. I remember realizing, when I read the book, that I might never own a home. Owning a home ties you to a place; it can keep you from adventure (although, not always).

When I read the book, I was a recent graduate, and I was asking myself questions about my future. Owning a home was one of my aspirations. At the time, I never could have imagined that I would own a home, and let it go, happily, not knowing if I'd ever have the privilege of owning again.

Now I know that life always brings new privileges. But first, I must let go.

NYC Love

Perhaps in the near future, I’ll tell you the story of my unrequited love (until now, that is) for New York City.

My relationship with NYC over the years has taught me many important lessons. The most important one being: If it's not the right time, it's not the right opportunity (person, job, place, etc.).

There are ways in which living in THE city is flowing from what I am letting go, and represents what is most important to me and my family right now, including:

a walkable life
de-owning
community
cultural events
diversity

For us, the opportunity to live these values awaits.

However, I will miss the warm weather. :-)

I am considering starting a blog series on my transition to this new, New York life, and how it represents living refreshed, for me. If you're interested in reading it, please contact me, and let me know. Your response will 1) help me decide whether or not to write the series, and 2) let me know you'll be out there, "listening."

I'll be back on the blog soon.

xo,

Ili

10 Therapist (and Child)-Approved Activities to Support Kids with Anxiety

If you’re a mental health professional working with children, you will probably agree that many of the calls you receive from parents have something to do with anxiety or stress. Child therapists have the amazingly important yet challenging task of educating and supporting kids in a therapeutic setting that is both productive and fun. When working with children as young as preschool age, it can be a very daunting task to keep things fresh and exciting week after week! So, how do we help children develop the coping skills they need while keeping them engaged (and not glancing at their watch)? Here are ten therapist (and child!)-approved, fun activities that address anxiety-based disorders and promote relaxation and stress reduction in children:

The Art and Science of Therapy as Craft, Part 2: Crafting Questions

For this week's video chat, Dr. AnnaLynn Schooley returns to discuss therapy questions as an intentional craft, and she covers four basic question types: single answer, open, closed, relational, and circular.

Therapist Self-Disclosure Simplified

Self-disclosure is a touchy subject among therapists. Some therapists never self-disclose, while others feel stifled by having a rigid boundary around self-disclosure. As I consider self-disclosure in therapy, I ask myself, “When is self-disclosure appropriate?” “How does self-disclosure deepen the therapist-client connection?"

Solution Focused Brief Couples Therapy Tips, with Elliott Connie

Elliott Connie is a Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) practitioner, author, and speaker. He developed an approach to couples work that distills the essence of SFBT into guiding principles for working with couples.

As a therapist who loves working with couples, I am always interested in ways to enhance my couples therapy skills. For this reason, I invited Elliott to explain the reasons why SFBT is his choice for working with clients, as well as how it creates a contrasting experience for couples that have a history in therapy.

Family of Origin Exploration for the Therapist: How to Create Your Genogram

In article three of the Family of Origin for the Therapist series, you learned 3 simple steps for how to begin family of origin (FOO) exploration: 1) read Bowen’s chapter, 2) observe your FOO experience, and 3) reflect on what you learned. Hopefully, your curiosity has led to significant understanding.

Understanding is the foundation of Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). Bowen (1985) believed that if clients could understand themselves as members of their FOOs and as created by their histories, they could begin and continue significant change.

In today’s post, I offer the next step in developing understanding: Creating your genogram. I explain how to create a basic genogram that you can expand as you continue your exploration.

5 Tips for Keeping Up with Therapy Paperwork

In my interaction with therapists as a mentor and supervisor, I’ve learned that one of the main struggles therapists face is having too much work and not enough time. Many therapists find themselves overwhelmed by documentation responsibilities, in particular; this includes completing client notes, referrals, billing, treatment plans, etc.

In today’s post, I offer several strategies for keeping up with paperwork, so that you can stay on track and avoid the stress of falling behind.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy Client Types, and Their Relevance To Every Session

In her 1989 article, Of Visitors, Complainants, and Customers, Insoo Kim Berg details three types of “client-therapist relationships” (p. 21). Her wording is significant, because she is not labeling clients; she is describing them in terms of their relationship to the therapist, the process of therapy, and the problem. These three relationships have undergirded Solution-Focused Brief Therapy theory and interventions over the years, although they are not consistently discussed in newer works. The client relationship types are widely applicable to therapy, regardless of theoretical orientation, making them one of the most useful concepts in marriage and family therapy.

In this post, I present a review of these client types, and I explain their relevance to and usefulness for all therapeutic sessions.

How to Ethically Offer Coaching as a Licensed Therapist: A Step-By-Step Guide

One of the most common professional goals for my clients is expanding their private practice to include life coaching services. As professionals with a depth of knowledge in personal development and goal achievement strategies, therapists are ideal candidates for the coaching profession. Despite this near perfect fit, there are some important ethical consideration for therapists when offering coaching services alongside therapy, or when choosing to become professional coaches. In this post, I focus on offering solutions for these complications, in an effort to help you ethically practice coaching.

5 Step Plan for De-escalating an In-Session couple Argument

Most of us, therapists, have been there: A simple disagreement turns into an all-out screaming match in the middle of a therapy session. This is, thankfully, not a common scenario for most therapists, but it’s also not rare--especially for therapists who specialize in couple therapy.

In this post, I cover steps for disrupting an argument occurring in a couple therapy session. Intervention on the part of the therapist is necessary during some conflicts, because the arguments can cause further damage in the couple relationship. And, if therapists allow arguments to continue for too long, they can affect the couple’s sense of safety when in therapy.

The main goals of intervention in this case are to: