Last year, I went through some personal situations that left me feeling, at times, at the mercy of events that were out of my control. As a result, I often felt frustrated—blocked from the things that I wanted to do, by my circumstances. This led to a sort of snowball effect that generated ongoing tension between my desires and my present responsibilities. (Have you ever gone through a similar season?)

Toward the end of the year, I began to work on my mindset around this dynamic. I reflected on the challenges I was facing, and my responses to unwanted detours. I recognized that I was contributing to my angst, through my own habits. I began to reflect on how I could shift my perspective and attitude.

Of course, this shift in my focus (from frustration to connection with myself) immediately produced a sense of empowerment. Taking a period of reflection re-oriented me to the truth: By focusing on my frustration, I was blind to the opportunity I had to decide on what I needed and wanted, and to notice what was going well in my world. By complaining (even silently), and focusing on what I was missing, I was choosing to ignore the value that was already present.

From that difficult season, I’ve generated some habits that continue to sustain my desire to be grateful for the roles I have (leader, parent, therapist. etc.), while going through tough times. I include them here as a reflection process that may help foster relief, if you are in a painful or disorienting season.

1) Consider, what is most important to you, right now?

Yes, of course there will be circumstances outside your control. Given that things are not the way you want them to be:

Who do you want to be?
What would help you feel most like yourself?
What emotions do you want to generate in yourself, and those around you?
What are basic routines that will sustain you and help you feel your best?

2) Consider those around you.

If you have an immediate family, employees, or a tribe, it helps to notice how you are showing up in these relationships during times of turmoil.

How do you want the people you love to remember this time with you?
If you have children: How do you want your children to remember this time in their lives and in your family?
How do you want the people you love to feel, when they are around you?

3) Take a reverse perspective.

Sometimes the present is overwhelming to the point that we struggle to have perspective on either a) the temporary aspect of our situation, b) what we can contribute to our wellbeing, and c) how we may be harming ourselves with our actions. Taking a reverse perspective allows us to imagine ourselves in a different circumstance, looking back on this difficult time:

If you look back from the future, who do you want to have been in this season (characteristics, behaviors, focus, etc.)?
How do you want to have shown up—both at work and at home? (For example, with love? consistency? decisiveness? etc.) And, how does that look with actions?
What do you want to have created, or let go of, during this time?

4) Create a habit of simplicity.

When I was experiencing internal tension, I developed a series of questions that helped me maintain my focus on what deserved my mental, emotional, and physical energy, and what did not. Perhaps these questions will help you delineate what matters most on any given day, or week:

Is this for now, or for later?
- For deciding on tasks, or events, and when they deserve a place on your calendar.
Does this task need a decision, or a time slot?
- For deciding if a task needs to be chosen or relinquished (decide), or if it must be worked on (block time).
What do I need today, in order to feel my best?
- For orienting you toward simple practices that will nurture you in the present.
Do I need to delay, eliminate, and/or ask for help?
- For categorizing tasks that are not your sole responsibility, or tasks that you have decided do not merit your time right now.