In article four of the Family of Origin Exploration for the Therapist series, I explain initial steps for creating your genogram. Before adding more detail to your genogram, including relational patterns and dynamics, it's important to explore the family rules and structure of your family of origin, so that you can add the appropriate relational dynamics to your genogram.

The ideas presented in this article about family rules and structure will be mainly based on the work of Salvador Minuchin (1974). While "diagnosing" family rules and boundaries is valuable, it is not meant to encourage a negative view of your family of origin and its members; it is meant to give you tools for assessing your family of origin experience realistically, based on traditional family therapy ideas.

Structure and Boundaries

According to Minuchin (1974), "Family structure is the invisible set of functional demands that organizes the ways in which family members interact" (p. 52). "Invisible" is an important descriptor to consider as you assess your family's rules and structure, because many rules governing relational interactions in families are unspoken.

Family structure is determined by a family's boundaries. When Minuchin (1974) defined boundaries, he was referring to the rules that underpin families' transactional patterns; i.e. how the larger system (the nuclear family) operates, as well as subsystems (specific relationships and categories within the family) within it.

According to Minuchin (1974), "The clarity of boundaries within a family is a useful parameter for the evaluation of family functioning" (p. 54). In other words, the clearer the boundaries, the higher the functioning. Minuchin specified the following boundaries:

Clear: The lines of responsibility and authority are overt, communicated, and understood.

Disengaged: The lines of responsibility and authority are strictly enforced and must be followed; however, they are not necessarily communicated or explained. Access to all family members, especially parents or those in authority, is limited. Appropriate communication and expression across subsystems (e.g., children to parents) is stifled.

Enmeshed: The lines of responsibility and authority are blurred. Communication that crosses appropriate relational boundaries is frequent; for example, a father expressing his frustrations with work to his daughter rather than his wife. In extreme cases, any act of individuality or separation from the family is considered, " . . . an act of betrayal" (p. 113).

Invisible Rules

Invisible rules, also known as implicit rules, are rules that are accepted as reality. Because they are unspoken rules, they go unquestioned and hold a great deal of power in the family's day-to-day interactions (Day, 2010).

Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman (1994) specify common invisible rules in families where there is addiction, abuse, or neglect. These rules are also present, to some degree, in many families with disengaged and enmeshed boundaries; they include:

Indirect communication: Family members do not express their needs directly, and instead use sarcasm, criticism, or other ways to communicate their feelings.

Triangularization: Parents communicate with one another through a child or other family member. They may also use the children to create distance in their relationship.

Lack of parental accessibility: Children's feelings do not have a voice in the family; they are negated, ignored, or minimized by the parents.

Unclear boundaries: Boundaries are set, but can be broken by parents at any time. Children are expected to meet their parents' emotional needs, but parents do not meet the children's emotional needs.

Lack of entitlement: Children are not entitled to have, express, or experience feelings that are unacceptable to the parents. This may also extend to a lack of entitlement regarding children's physical possessions and boundaries, such as their body, physical space and privacy, ownership of belongings, etc.

Mind reading: There is a belief that people who love and care about you should be able to meet your needs and desires, without you having to express them.

It is noteworthy that Minuchin (1974) emphasized that family boundaries and rules fall within the normal range for most families, and that the range from disengagement to enmeshment is a continuum. His explanation of functioning as a range allows for family of origin "explorers" to reflect upon their specific experiences in their families of origin, without fearing the need label the family as "dysfunctional."

Realistic vs. Idealistic

In order to begin and pursue differentiation of self (Bowen, 1985), an honest assessment of and reflection upon your experience of your family is necessary. It is natural, as you reflect, to feel a sense of discomfort, or the need to rationalize your experience and emotions as well as a family member's behavior. Rationalization may sound like this, for example: "But, I know he only did that because his dad was the same way with him;" or, "She worked so hard for us, and she was too busy, even though I know she wanted to spend time with me."

These statements may be true, and their veracity is not to be debated. However, as you explore your family of origin experience, it is essential that you concentrate on your perspective without the rationalization or explanation of another's behavior. The reason for this is that you must first extend empathy to yourself, feel your feelings, and accept your experience, before you can offer full understanding to your significant others.

The time will come to put other family members' behavior in context, so that you can see them as full human beings within their life story, and if necessary, forgive. But, those steps are possible only when you've first honored your experience.

Next steps

Now that you've reviewed family rules and structure:

Try to identify the types of boundaries present in your family of origin.
Articulate as many invisible family rules as possible that have influenced your family of origin. If you have difficulty, and you're married or partnered, ask your partner; oftentimes, those outside the family system can see these rules more clearly, because their family system operated on a different set of rules.
- If you'd like examples of invisible family rules, I've put together a list and included it in the free resource library. If you are not yet registered for access to the library, you can register here.

Summary

Assessing the structure and rules of your family of origin will help you get a sense of the ways in which the family operated, the expectations for behavior, as well as your experience within these parameters. This will prepare you to add more detail about your family of origin to your genogram. In the next article of this series, I will explain how to add relational dynamics and family rules to your genogram using the appropriate symbols.

Let's Chat

What is one invisible rule you identified from your family of origin?
How was the information in this article helpful?

References

Bowen, M. (1985). Family therapy in clinical practice. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

Day, R. (2010). Introduction to family processes (5th ed.). New York, NY: Taylor & Francis Group.

Donaldson-Pressman, S., & Pressman, R. M. (1994). The narcissistic family: Diagnosis and treatment. New York, NY: Lexington Books.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Family of Origin Exploration for the Therapist: How to Add Relational Dynamics to Your Genogram

Relational dynamics are also referred to as relationship patterns or relationship lines; they are the symbols used on a genogram to connect people, as well as illustrate details about their relationship.

In today's post, I will provide symbols for the five fundamental relational dynamics (closeness, distance, cut-off, fusion/enmeshment, and conflict), and show you how to add them to your genogram.

Family of Origin Exploration for the Therapist: Family Rules and Structure

Family of Origin Exploration for the Therapist: How to Create Your Genogram

In article three of the Family of Origin for the Therapist series, you learned 3 simple steps for how to begin family of origin (FOO) exploration: 1) read Bowen’s chapter, 2) observe your FOO experience, and 3) reflect on what you learned. Hopefully, your curiosity has led to significant understanding.

Understanding is the foundation of Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). Bowen (1985) believed that if clients could understand themselves as members of their FOOs and as created by their histories, they could begin and continue significant change.

In today’s post, I offer the next step in developing understanding: Creating your genogram. I explain how to create a basic genogram that you can expand as you continue your exploration.

Family of Origin Exploration for the Therapist: 3 Steps for How to Begin

So far, I’ve covered why family of origin exploration is important for therapists, as well as the common fears that accompany facing our parents. If you haven’t read these first two articles, please read them before continuing.

In this post, I explain how to begin the process of family of origin (FOO) exploration.

Family of Origin Exploration for the Therapist: How To Overcome Your Fears

Although I am writing this series for therapists, the truth is, when it comes to facing our families, just as when it comes to our personal change, we are only human--we are the same as our clients. This is one of the benefits of our own family of origin (FOO) exploration: We can confidently ask clients to examine their histories, because we have, and we know what it takes.

Family of Origin Exploration for The Therapist: Why it Matters, and Its Benefits

In today’s post, I explain how I learned about and implemented family of origin (FOO) exploration and its resulting impact on my relationships. I also present background on the idea of FOO exploration for therapists, as well as its benefits.

10 Therapist (and Child)-Approved Activities to Support Kids with Anxiety

If you’re a mental health professional working with children, you will probably agree that many of the calls you receive from parents have something to do with anxiety or stress. Child therapists have the amazingly important yet challenging task of educating and supporting kids in a therapeutic setting that is both productive and fun. When working with children as young as preschool age, it can be a very daunting task to keep things fresh and exciting week after week! So, how do we help children develop the coping skills they need while keeping them engaged (and not glancing at their watch)? Here are ten therapist (and child!)-approved, fun activities that address anxiety-based disorders and promote relaxation and stress reduction in children:

The Art and Science of Therapy as Craft, Part 2: Crafting Questions

For this week's video chat, Dr. AnnaLynn Schooley returns to discuss therapy questions as an intentional craft, and she covers four basic question types: single answer, open, closed, relational, and circular.

Therapist Self-Disclosure Simplified

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Solution Focused Brief Couples Therapy Tips, with Elliott Connie

Elliott Connie is a Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) practitioner, author, and speaker. He developed an approach to couples work that distills the essence of SFBT into guiding principles for working with couples.

As a therapist who loves working with couples, I am always interested in ways to enhance my couples therapy skills. For this reason, I invited Elliott to explain the reasons why SFBT is his choice for working with clients, as well as how it creates a contrasting experience for couples that have a history in therapy.

5 Tips for Keeping Up with Therapy Paperwork

In my interaction with therapists as a mentor and supervisor, I’ve learned that one of the main struggles therapists face is having too much work and not enough time. Many therapists find themselves overwhelmed by documentation responsibilities, in particular; this includes completing client notes, referrals, billing, treatment plans, etc.

In today’s post, I offer several strategies for keeping up with paperwork, so that you can stay on track and avoid the stress of falling behind.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy Client Types, and Their Relevance To Every Session

In her 1989 article, Of Visitors, Complainants, and Customers, Insoo Kim Berg details three types of “client-therapist relationships” (p. 21). Her wording is significant, because she is not labeling clients; she is describing them in terms of their relationship to the therapist, the process of therapy, and the problem. These three relationships have undergirded Solution-Focused Brief Therapy theory and interventions over the years, although they are not consistently discussed in newer works. The client relationship types are widely applicable to therapy, regardless of theoretical orientation, making them one of the most useful concepts in marriage and family therapy.

In this post, I present a review of these client types, and I explain their relevance to and usefulness for all therapeutic sessions.

How to Ethically Offer Coaching as a Licensed Therapist: A Step-By-Step Guide

One of the most common professional goals for my clients is expanding their private practice to include life coaching services. As professionals with a depth of knowledge in personal development and goal achievement strategies, therapists are ideal candidates for the coaching profession. Despite this near perfect fit, there are some important ethical consideration for therapists when offering coaching services alongside therapy, or when choosing to become professional coaches. In this post, I focus on offering solutions for these complications, in an effort to help you ethically practice coaching.

5 Step Plan for De-escalating an In-Session couple Argument

Most of us, therapists, have been there: A simple disagreement turns into an all-out screaming match in the middle of a therapy session. This is, thankfully, not a common scenario for most therapists, but it’s also not rare--especially for therapists who specialize in couple therapy.

In this post, I cover steps for disrupting an argument occurring in a couple therapy session. Intervention on the part of the therapist is necessary during some conflicts, because the arguments can cause further damage in the couple relationship. And, if therapists allow arguments to continue for too long, they can affect the couple’s sense of safety when in therapy.

The main goals of intervention in this case are to: